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all out of love.

Publicerat 2011-10-28 23:46:25 i Rules to live by

I will take you through this things with relationships again. As it is quiet fascinating actually.
Somehow we can see me as the villain. As I have had relationships with guys who can not be mine. I have crossed the line who was not suppose to be crossed. But there is always two in these kind of decisions.
I believe in meetings, and relationships with people. Maybe I am old fashioned but I also believe in love. I didnt meet my true love when I was 16 or 20 either by the way. I m still here 25 and im having the time of my life. Without my true love, my soulmate, the one who I am suppose to share a life with. I believe one day I get there.  But its not the focus right now.
Anyhow I meet a guy here in Qatar just recently after I arrived here, (told you here about him, the egyptian). Since I left Sweden, I value every meeting and every person that comes my way. The different kinds of relationships gives a lot.
With this person, it was very easy to be around him, to spend time with him. We went down to the sealine in the night, sat with one glass of tea each and then we discussed everything in between the earth and the sky. Mainly our discussions were glancing on religion and culture differences. As he is representing islam. I were bringing up subjects like the discrimination against women, the cases we actually have had in sweden with fathers killing their daughters as they have had relationships and-or sex with swedish boys.  Anyhow with him it was a very rewarding kind of relationship. It came to the point one day when he tells me he is engaged, (he never hid it for me, as he know he did not have to). Engaged since one year back and that his wedding will come up soon. He told me what he felt about that, and how it worked out fine in his religion and culture. How he sees the arranged marriages.
I did become very close to this person. Realized the ways he had opened my eyes. He were one of them coming by my life again. I had one guy in maldives, eyecandy I called him. I fell in love with his being, with his way of effecting my life and values. And I have now realized it happened again. I am madly in love with this new person, my eyeqandy in Qatar.
Since he went home to get married I decided to leave it. As I knew how a relation with him would progress, and leaving after 2 years together would be very painful, to him, to me, to his family. So when he went away I decided to leave it. But I started to miss the rewarding kind of relation we had. How we walked along the sealine in the night, talking, sitting sipping tea. How the words never stopped, the ides, the challenges, the laughs. We are always two in making decisions. So when he left I took my decision. It is over now. Even how badly I felt inside of me that I was not done with him.
Now he has come back, around 2,5 months have passed. And I saw him once, we went to a restaurant, we went to the seaside having tea, and then he took me home. It was amazing but we could feel it had changed in one way. But in one way it was like coming back to home, touching eachothers hands, glancing inside eachothers eyes, smiling, being quiet, and then so much to talk about.
I realized that everybody falls in love somehow. And that the definition we are looking for here is another. My first love in Maldives taught me how I am suppose to recognize feelings of love, and they are there. I feel it so strongly. But I love him in the same way I love my people there. I want him to be truly happy in his life. I want him to experience a joyful life, and if I can contribute to thishappiness by staying away from his life, thats what I am now going to do. As I believe with me in his life, sadness will come his way. And I do not want that for him.
And I did meet someone when he was away. A single guy, younger guy, introduced to me by someone. But this is not the same kind of rewarding relationship. I dont feel it the same way.  His english is very limited, and discussions and getting to know one another is impossible. I just feel upset while being around him, as I dont manage to get any kind of message through. So its time for me to stop this. Finish. No more non-rewarding relationships for me. No more guys that already belong to someone.
I wish one day the mind of the people still arguing for the arranged marriages will change. I wish one day the world is going to change. That the boundaries between countries, cultures and religion and social class will slowly disappear.
I would love to see a world were everyone is living at the same reasons. I would love to see a world were people are striving for happiness now and not in their next life. I would love to see a world were people are allowed to find their soul mates and live with them.  I would have loved to see a world where I could have continued my relationship with him.
But what were meant to be will be. Destiny have another path for me. What ever happens happen for a reason. I know this by now and I have known this for a while.
But I am all out of love, I am so lost without you.
Direktlänk, 2 Kommentarer



Kommentarer
KSena

You, my dear darling cousin, are such a beautiful soul. Your words really touch me, and sometimes I have a hard time to put these words together with the wonderful girl who left the cold North... But there you are... and here I am. I miss you and when I see all this I just want to give you one great big hug that I used to be able to. You'll have to imagine it, I suppose. :-) One day I'll be able to again, I know it. Just know I think about you, OK? And if you need to talk, poke me on Twitter or MSN/AIM/Yahoo! or whatever. You know where I am, luv. hugs

2011-10-30 @ 14:58:58
URL: http://kseenaa.livejournal.com
KSena

You, my dear darling cousin, are such a beautiful soul. Your words really touch me, and sometimes I have a hard time to put these words together with the wonderful girl who left the cold North... But there you are... and here I am. I miss you and when I see all this I just want to give you one great big hug that I used to be able to. You'll have to imagine it, I suppose. :-) One day I'll be able to again, I know it. Just know I think about you, OK? And if you need to talk, poke me on Twitter or MSN/AIM/Yahoo! or whatever. You know where I am, luv. hugs

2011-10-30 @ 14:59:18
URL: http://kseenaa.livejournal.com


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