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Publicerat 2010-04-25 19:40:03 i Everyday life
Bloggtorkan som oundvikligen har inletts av mig har resulterat i att alla mina tankar stannar inne. De går runt och runt, stagnerar och kommer inte ut. Jag blir tokig på mig själv. Jag tänker 90% av dagen på samma människa. Han är inom mig hela tiden. Jag kan känna hans närvaro, jag känner hans energier även om vi är flera 100 meter ifrån varandra.

Det är något så sagolikt vackert att uppleva den här kärleken. Människor förs samman för olika orsaker, men varför hamnade jag tillsammans med  honom nu? Med en av mina själsfränder jag inte kan få. Jag analyserar situationen med Chantel ibland. Jag nämnde lite kort att jag ser nog inte att jag kommer gifta mig nu. För på det sättet som jag älskar honom, kommer jag älska någon på samma sätt igen?. Hon sa det, att det klart du kommer, det är ju nu, nu när du är uppe i det hela, det är nu du känner såhär. Det låter ju väldigt vettigt. Men jag vet inte, helt plötsligt så känns det som mina kriterier har höjts nämnvärt. 

Han har blivit en av mina bästa vänner. Han har krypit in under skinnet på mig. Han har gråtit ut hos mig, han är över 35 och han gråter på min axel och jag har tröstat honom. Han får mig att skratta när han känner att jag är i behov av ett leende. Han ger mig så mycket bara av att se mig i ögonen. Även om ögonen möts i en stor matsal. Jag har lyft upp honom så många gånger, han har stöttat mig de få gånger jag varit på väg att ramla.

Han är en av mina bästa vänner, efter att ha känt varandra i 7 månader. Dessa månader då vi växt samman har också varit fyllda av fjärilsvingar och fnitter. Av magiskt sprakande kemiska stunder. Stunder där ord uteblev för att det sprakade för mycket av fjärilsvingar. Det har varit stunder av het, sexig, svettigt dansande nätter, träningssessioner och framträdanden.

Det har varit allt och ingenting. För det har inte varit mer än kramar.

Men hur ska jag någonsin hitta någon som kommer upp i den här kalibern, i den här kärleken, i den här samhörigheten. I den här vänskapen utan att de hela hinner förstöras av för ivriga kyssar och sensualitet? Hur ska jag hitta någon som kryper under skinnet på mig, någon som skrattar med mig, någon som gråter med mig. någon som dansar salsa med mig. Någon som delar glädje och sorg med mig. Någon som kryper omedvetet in i mina drömmar. Någon som fjärilsvingarna aldirg vill sluta flaxa för. Hur ska jag hitta någon där allt faller samman igen? 

Om, om, om jag nu skulle kyssa honom här, nu efter att ha den här kärleken och den här vänskapen växt sig så djup, så skulle kyssen vara the one. The one special kiss we are all waiting for. Men jag får vänta på min one special kiss.

För det är inte meningen att jag ska splittra upp en familj som precis kommit tillbaka tillsammans. Det är inte meningen att jag ska trassla sönder något som de precis börjat bygga upp igen. Jag kommer berätta mer svart på vitt vad som hänt i min andra blogg. Men allt i samvetets värld säger att det är fel.

Men vi pratade om bröllop. Chantel vet hur hon vill ha sitt bröllop. Jag hade en liten dröm sedan jag var liten jag med. Mängder med blommor, champangefärgad klänning med långt släp, frieriet i en luftballong i paris. ja, ni har väl hört mig babbla om det här. Men helt plötsligt ser jag ingen dröm för mig längre. (Helt plötsligt ser jag inget behov av Paris, champangfärgad dyr klänning.)

Jag är lugnt sagt kär i honom. Det är också lugnt att säga att han är så fel för mig. Så fel för mig på ett stort och  medvetet sätt. Men han har lärt mig hur det känns att veta när det är rätt, för varje liten mikrocell i min kropp känner att det är rätt. 

Jag försöker vara säker på att det finns fler själsfränder för mig. Var, när och hur jag möter dem är redan uttänkt och det händer när det är meningen att det ska hända. Men just nu är jag upp över öronen förälskad. Jag tänker på honom hela tiden, jag saknar honom efter att jag inte sett honom på fem minuter. Han vandrar oftare och oftare in i mina drömmar. Jag känner hans energier, han känner mina. Hans kropp talar samma språk som min. Hans själ talar samma språk som min. Vi hör ihop. Det är vackert. En erfarenhet rikare.

jag är inte bitter, jag är kär.

Direktlänk, 2 Kommentarer



Kommentarer
bjorne

Undrar jag vad slutet på denna romans och story ska bli,håller tummarna för att det ska bli bäst för dig,kram.

2010-05-04 @ 21:09:32
URL: http://bjornesmagazin.blogg.se/
bjorne

Hoppas du hittar någon annan att bli kär i och va lycklig resten av ditt liv,kram.

2010-05-23 @ 19:58:11
URL: http://bjornesmagazin.blogg.se/


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